Maybe I thought becoming a missionary automatically wiped clean my selfish desires. I left behind family and friends. I gave up a teaching career, something I love. I committed to learning new languages and feeling like an outsider in new cultures. And seriously… I walked away from Twizzlers and Cheetos. Smooth roads and easily accessible grocery stores are a thing of the past, all because I sacrificially gave my life to Christ and “allowed” Him to send me overseas.
Wrong. Dead wrong.
One thing my son’s birth has taught me over and over is just how selfish I am. As another friend put it,
Parenting would be so much easier if I wasn’t so selfish!
Feedings come at the most inconvenient times. (And can make me feel like a cow.) They occur just when dinner is ready, at restaurants, during meetings, at church, in the middle of the night and a host of other places or times that I don’t wish to accommodate the little guy. If I don’t oblige quickly enough he begins to exercise his lungs to an embarrassingly high volume. Embarrassing, because it feels as though it reflects upon my ability (or inability) as a mother!
Because really… it’s all about me.
He cries. A lot. I never know what his cries mean and it is frustrating. Is he hungry? Sleepy? Does he need to burp or pass gas down the other end? This leaves me, a normally fairly competent woman, feeling helpless. I don’t like that feeling.
My world revolves around his bodily functions and it grosses me out. I have been peed on. His spit up is frequently on my clothes. And I’ve narrowly missed a poo bomb. And that’s just this past week.
I have to drink more, take vitamins and fish oil supplements (which are nasty) eat healthy and skip out on my usual amounts of sugar and caffeine.
My sleep is constantly disrupted. That makes me cranky.
Because really… it’s all about me. Except it’s not.
These statements have a commonality… I, I, I. It’s time to let go of “I”.
My new little man has taught me more about selfless giving and serving than any other person in the world and he’s only one month old! I guess God is still preparing me for missionary service. I definitely don’t have a handle on it yet.